it's killing me, and i can't even figure out what it is... it's just that i realized, i'm so pathetic.... as opposed to having a really good level of confidence, it seems like it flew away with the wind.... because no matter what, i would always feel this way unless i purge myself of it....

i just have two choices... or to put it more correctly, i limit myself to two choices. one is to ignore everyone who makes me feel uncomfortable, and affect a devil-may-care attitude, the next is to remain paranoid and unreasonably aware and nervous that i may have annoyed or irritated someone.

it's just that it's deeply rooted in me already, knowing that i've been brought up this way does not help. i can say that i'm totally angry with the way i learned things, because i had to learn them the hard way. aside from that, i have to double the effort of learning how to relate to people. and that's because of everything i've gone through in life. i mean, i feel like i am eternally scarred. although i never let it deter what i have to do to succeed, what's really irritating is that it's there, it's deep within me and i just want to be free of it once and for all.

well, who am i to judge other people? in the same way, who are they to judge me anyway? see,  by being serious, and controlling my childish impulses, i'm able to think more and deal with issues more.

i've decided that i won't let myself be me. i will be the most professional person even if they call me a stick in the mud. otherwise, i will just go along. but i'm really tired of trying to be nice to everyone, trying to fit in. the truth is, i just don't belong. i won't belong, and i don't want to belong.